CHICAGO — Following the United States men’s national team’s devastating 4–1 elimination at the hands of Belgium, U.S. Soccer officials announced Tuesday that the program would be taking a hard look in the mirror and making one major tactical adjustment going forward: significantly more presidential interference and substantially less defending.

BOSTON, MA —

A Boston-area bar issued a statement Thursday assuring concerned patrons that additional beer is expected to arrive “almost immediately” after Scotland is eliminated from the World Cup and its traveling supporters stop consuming alcohol at a rate previously believed to be theoretical.