WASHINGTON, D.C. — Historians issued an urgent warning Friday that President Donald Trump appears to be speedrunning the Roman Empire after plans advanced for a massive 250-foot triumphal arch in Washington, D.C., despite continued uncertainty over what, exactly, the nation has triumphed over.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has been named the greatest president in American history following an extensive and highly competitive review conducted by Donald Trump.

By Thurston P. Bootstrap IV, National Heartbreak Recovery Correspondent
Medford, Massachusetts—Americans began the difficult process of healing Wednesday after officials confirmed that a promising local relationship had ended following three dates, abruptly closing one of the most consequential romantic chapters of the week.

WASHINGTON—President Donald Trump ordered a decoy Air Force One shot down Thursday after intelligence officials confirmed that the aircraft contained the White House press corps and, more importantly, did not contain him.

By Thurston P. Bootstrap IV, Senior Pizza Party Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is reportedly devastated after a federal appeals court blocked construction of his new White House ballroom, temporarily destroying his dream of hosting really awesome pizza parties.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump escalated tensions with Iran late Saturday by deploying levels of CAPS LOCK not seen since World War II, unleashing a concentrated barrage of capital letters across Truth Social and placing the entire Persian Gulf on heightened typographical alert.

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL — The U.S. State Department unveiled a dramatically redesigned map of Africa this week after determining that the continent’s existing geography was “outdated, overly complicated, and unnecessarily dependent on facts.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Food and Drug Administration raised the national diarrhea threat level to Brown Tuesday following a multistate outbreak of Cyclospora, a microscopic parasite known for causing prolonged gastrointestinal distress and abruptly reorganizing a person’s afternoon.

BOSTON, MA — Federal officials confirmed Thursday that a massive cloud of Canadian wildfire smoke entered the United States without a passport, visa, work permit, customs declaration, or even the basic courtesy of stopping at a designated border checkpoint.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to curb weeks of increasingly bizarre online speculation, Senate leadership issued a statement Tuesday clarifying that, in the event a sitting senator were to return as a zombie, they would remain eligible to vote unless otherwise prohibited by the Constitution.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States has officially renewed its premium war subscription with Iran after allowing a complimentary ceasefire trial to expire, White House officials confirmed Thursday.

Portland, Maine

In a powerful display of moral clarity arriving just moments after the internal numbers became “pretty hard to ignore,” a major Senate campaign announced Tuesday that it is taking recent allegations against its candidate extremely seriously, citing a deep commitment to values, accountability, and several newly alarming crosstabs.

CHICAGO — Following the United States men’s national team’s devastating 4–1 elimination at the hands of Belgium, U.S. Soccer officials announced Tuesday that the program would be taking a hard look in the mirror and making one major tactical adjustment going forward: significantly more presidential interference and substantially less defending.

NEW YORK, NY — In what European officials are calling “a dark day for the beautiful game” and American officials are calling “finally understanding the sport,” the United States has reportedly mastered soccer just in time to begin influencing the rules, the referees, and the disciplinary process.

WASHINGTON, D.C. —

Federal agents widened their search Tuesday for a dangerous suspect believed to be armed with chlorophyll after the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool turned green in what officials are calling “a coordinated photosynthetic attack on the American way of life.”

CHICAGO —

In a moving tribute to freedom, reflection, and the company’s ongoing commitment to not saying anything that could be interpreted too specifically, local consulting firm Bryson & Vale honored Juneteenth on Wednesday with a single company-wide email that reportedly took Legal, HR, Communications, the DEI Council, two senior partners, and one visibly shaken intern 11 full days to approve.

BOSTON, MA —

A Boston-area bar issued a statement Thursday assuring concerned patrons that additional beer is expected to arrive “almost immediately” after Scotland is eliminated from the World Cup and its traveling supporters stop consuming alcohol at a rate previously believed to be theoretical.

WASHINGTON, D.C. —

Foreign policy experts across Washington praised the newly announced Iran peace deal Monday, calling it “a historic breakthrough” and “an essential first step toward establishing the conditions necessary for the next Iran war.”

NEW YORK, NY —

The White House pushed back forcefully Monday against reports that President Donald Trump was booed during his appearance at Madison Square Garden, clarifying that the crowd was actually chanting “Boo-S-A! Boo-S-A!” in what officials described as “a spontaneous, deeply patriotic expression of rhythmic national unity.”

A local woman’s Tuesday morning commute took a dramatic turn after she accidentally made direct eye contact with a man she recently rejected, forcing both parties to acknowledge, for approximately 1.7 seconds, that they are still alive and using the same public transportation system.