CAMBRIDGE, MA — Celebrating Women's History Month by honoring generations of female intellectual achievement, local woman Mary Kelly reportedly completed the academic equivalent of a graduate degree in Forensic Science Thursday night after spending 45 minutes Googling a man she matched with on a dating app.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citizens across the United States confirmed Monday that they are continuing to wait patiently for someone—anyone—to be held accountable for something.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Local resident Emily Carter reportedly declared “I’ll just do it myself” Tuesday afternoon after quietly observing a man struggle with what witnesses described as “a fairly straightforward task.”

Area Woman Opens Instagram For “One Minute,” Returns 47 Minutes Later With No Memory

Boston Woman Declares ‘This Is Nothing’ Before Immediately Slipping On Ice

Area Woman Turns Down Music So She Can See Better

Groundhog Files Restraining Order After Being Blamed For Entire Winter

Fact-Checkers Immediately Enter Witness Protection Program

Area Man Digs Out Car With No Intention of Going Anywhere

“I mean… there’s always a chance I missed something,” said Keegan, re-opening the door with quiet determination.

“We always believed in her,” says uncle who learned the sport existed 11 minutes ago.

Bad Bunny Accidentally Makes America Horny, Confused, and Politically Radicalized

Man Watches Curling For First Time, Immediately Becomes Strategic Genius

Consultant Threatens To Quit Job Over Microplastics In Office Water Supply

City Declares Emergency After Experiencing ‘Weather’

ICE Assures Italy It Will Not Arrest Anyone for Being Italian, Yet

Man Googles Symptom, WebMD Suggests Both “Dehydration” and “Immediate Death”

“Gordon Ramsay could never,” claims person who made spaghetti

World Powers Suddenly Very Interested in Arctic, Claim It’s About ‘Security’ and Definitely Not Resources

Because Someone Has to Be the Adult