By Thurston P. Bootstrap IV, Senior Pizza Party Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is reportedly devastated after a federal appeals court blocked construction of his new White House ballroom, temporarily destroying his dream of hosting really awesome pizza parties.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump escalated tensions with Iran late Saturday by deploying levels of CAPS LOCK not seen since World War II, unleashing a concentrated barrage of capital letters across Truth Social and placing the entire Persian Gulf on heightened typographical alert.

BEIJING, CHINA — President Donald Trump’s high-stakes state visit to China reportedly yielded a major diplomatic breakthrough Thursday after the president cracked open a fortune cookie at a formal banquet and discovered a tiny slip of paper reading: “Iran will never have a nuclear weapon.”