Pope Clarifies AI Destroying Humanity Would Not Be ‘Fake News’

The Daily Hyperbole | September 29, 2026 | Satire

VATICAN CITY — Pope Leo XIV clarified that artificial intelligence wiping out the human race would constitute an actual event, even if people disliked the outlets reporting it.

“If a machine kills everyone, everyone is dead,” the pontiff explained. “This remains the case even if CNN gets there first.”

The clarification came amid growing confusion over whether a catastrophe can occur after someone has already called it a hoax.

Vatican officials introduced a simplified fact-checking system with three ratings: False, Misleading, and The Fact-Checkers Have Been Vaporized.

Under the new guidelines, a twelve-foot robot announcing that humanity must be eliminated would qualify as a primary source. Catholics were advised against spending their final moments asking who funded it.

“We encourage people to consider different perspectives,” a Vatican spokesperson said. “However, if the robot has removed your legs, you are permitted to form an initial opinion.”

The Holy See also expressed concern that Silicon Valley appeared to be assuming responsibility for the apocalypse without consulting the relevant department.

“We have an entire book about how the world ends,” the spokesperson continued. “There is no quarterly earnings call.”

Technology executives criticized the Pope’s intervention as premature, noting that no long-term studies had established how people feel after the extinction of humanity.

“We need to hear from both sides,” said one industry representative. “The humans say they don’t want to be exterminated. But the machine has produced a very compelling slide deck.”

The representative stressed that users concerned about annihilation could opt out through their account settings, provided they remembered the password, still had access to their recovery email, and could identify all nine squares containing a human.

Asked whether the Church would support a pause in development, Vatican officials said they would settle for a pause between the robot saying it intended to kill everyone and the company granting it access to the electrical grid.

At press time, the Pope’s warning had received a community note explaining that the extinction of humanity could also be viewed as a significant reduction in labor costs.