Trump Announces Mail-In Voting Safe When Republicans Do It
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that mail-in voting is now safe and secure, following the discovery that Republicans are also allowed to use it.
Pope Clarifies AI Destroying Humanity Would Not Be ‘Fake News’
VATICAN CITY — Pope Leo XIV clarified that artificial intelligence wiping out the human race would constitute an actual event, even if people disliked the outlets reporting it.
Trump Announces New 100% Tariff on Canada, Plus Invasion
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced Friday that all Canadian imports would face a new 100% tariff, plus invasion, unveiling what administration officials described as a comprehensive trade package with a small military component roughly the size of Canada.
Mitch McConnell Returns From Dead to Cast Deciding Vote
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Republicans successfully summoned Mitch McConnell from the realm of the dead Wednesday after determining that passing a farm bill would require one additional vote and a modest violation of the natural order.
AI Companies Reach Historic Agreement That AI Is Dangerous, Immediately Resume Building AI
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The world’s leading artificial intelligence companies reached a historic consensus Wednesday that their technology poses a profound threat to humanity, signing a joint declaration before returning to their offices to make it considerably more powerful.
Three-Date Relationship Ends, Nation Begins Healing
By Thurston P. Bootstrap IV, National Heartbreak Recovery Correspondent
Medford, Massachusetts—Americans began the difficult process of healing Wednesday after officials confirmed that a promising local relationship had ended following three dates, abruptly closing one of the most consequential romantic chapters of the week.
Trump Orders Fake Air Force One Shot Down With Fake News Media Aboard
WASHINGTON—President Donald Trump ordered a decoy Air Force One shot down Thursday after intelligence officials confirmed that the aircraft contained the White House press corps and, more importantly, did not contain him.
Trump Sad He Cannot Host Pizza Parties In The Ballroom
By Thurston P. Bootstrap IV, Senior Pizza Party Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is reportedly devastated after a federal appeals court blocked construction of his new White House ballroom, temporarily destroying his dream of hosting really awesome pizza parties.