Trump Announces Mail-In Voting Safe When Republicans Do It

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that mail-in voting is now safe and secure, following the discovery that Republicans are also allowed to use it.

“These are Republican ballots,” Trump said. “Same envelopes. Same mailboxes. Same mailmen. But completely different. Very secure.”

The announcement followed an internal GOP review that found discouraging Republicans from voting by mail had primarily discouraged Republicans from voting.

“We assumed that if our voters didn’t vote by mail, Democrats wouldn’t either,” one strategist said. “But they just went ahead and voted. Nobody stopped them.”

Officials reportedly checked the math twice.

Under the party’s new guidance, supporters are encouraged to vote by mail, vote early, or vote in person—a dramatic expansion of its previous strategy of making everyone show up on the same Tuesday and hoping nobody had a dentist appointment.

Trump emphasized that the announcement did not contradict his earlier warnings.

“Democrat mail is very suspicious,” he explained. “Republican mail is beautiful. Completely different mail. Our mail loves this country.”

Asked how election workers could distinguish the two, Trump said the process was straightforward.

“You open the envelope and see who they voted for.”

Election officials described this as counting.

To further protect Republican ballots, the administration is reportedly considering patriotic envelopes, tamper-proof flag stickers, and delivery by bald eagle.

A postal worker confirmed that regular envelopes also work.

Republican strategists acknowledged that the party had already trusted the mail for years when asking supporters to send money.

“The checks always arrived,” one official said. “We probably should have followed up on that.”

At press time, Trump clarified that mail-in voting would remain completely secure unless Democrats won.