Americans praise document’s remarkable ability to validate mutually exclusive conclusions simultaneously
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A newly surfaced document widely described online as a “Jeffrey Epstein suicide note” has rapidly achieved what experts are calling a historic breakthrough in modern discourse: confirming every American’s preexisting belief at the exact same time.

Legal experts urge calm as Americans struggle to determine criminal intent of beach décor

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States found itself sharply divided this week after a set of seashells arranged on a beach became the center of a heated national debate over whether inanimate coastal objects are capable of committing federal crimes.