ATLANTA, GA — As the Department of Homeland Security shutdown drags into another week, TSA agents across the country are reportedly calling out of work in record numbers, citing a recently discovered condition known as “wanting a paycheck.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citizens across the United States confirmed Monday that they are continuing to wait patiently for someone—anyone—to be held accountable for something.

Cat Declares Candidacy for Mayor, Promises Unlimited Naps