Legal experts urge calm as Americans struggle to determine criminal intent of beach décor

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States found itself sharply divided this week after a set of seashells arranged on a beach became the center of a heated national debate over whether inanimate coastal objects are capable of committing federal crimes.

“I was just going to check the weather,” said local man Daniel Reilly, moments before his psychological state deteriorated beyond repair.

ATLANTA, GA — As the Department of Homeland Security shutdown drags into another week, TSA agents across the country are reportedly calling out of work in record numbers, citing a recently discovered condition known as “wanting a paycheck.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citizens across the United States confirmed Monday that they are continuing to wait patiently for someone—anyone—to be held accountable for something.

Cat Declares Candidacy for Mayor, Promises Unlimited Naps