White House Press Secretary Completes Entire Career in Five Days
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Press Secretary Katie Zacharia concluded a distinguished five-day career Friday, completing a remarkable professional journey that included a promising debut, a major controversy, a period of intense public scrutiny, and an abrupt retirement, all before the weekend.
U.S. Government Discovers Revolutionary Debt Strategy of Buying Its Own Debt
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States government announced a major breakthrough in fiscal policy Thursday after Treasury officials discovered they could purchase U.S. government debt using U.S. government money.
Senate Bans Lawmakers From Betting on Wars They May Know About in Advance
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to restore public trust, the United States Senate has voted to ban lawmakers and staff from placing bets on prediction markets involving wars, elections, economic crashes, and other events they may have accidentally learned about during classified briefings.
Government Declares Fraud Illegal After Decades Of Hands-On Research
After years of immersive field study, federal officials announced Tuesday that fraud is, in fact, bad, unveiling a bold new initiative to prohibit the very activity they have quietly tolerated, outsourced, subsidized, and accidentally rewarded for generations.
Congress Vows To Tackle Corruption Right After Massive Fundraiser With Defense Contractors
In a stirring bipartisan display of principle, members of Congress pledged Tuesday to crack down on corruption immediately following an elegant private fundraiser attended by several of the nation’s largest defense contractors, lobbyists, consultants, and “concerned stakeholders” with active financial interests in never-ending war.
Pentagon Misplaces Another Billion, Assures Public It’s Probably Fine
“Defense officials confirmed Tuesday that another $1 billion had become unaccounted for somewhere inside the nation’s military bureaucracy, reassuring Americans that while the money itself may be gone, the confidence with which they discussed its disappearance remains fully intact.”
TSA Agents Reportedly Calling Out Sick With “Sudden Interest In Being Paid”
ATLANTA, GA — As the Department of Homeland Security shutdown drags into another week, TSA agents across the country are reportedly calling out of work in record numbers, citing a recently discovered condition known as “wanting a paycheck.”
Nation Waits Patiently For Someone To Be Held Accountable For Literally Anything
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citizens across the United States confirmed Monday that they are continuing to wait patiently for someone—anyone—to be held accountable for something.
Man Who Can’t Name Three Branches of Government Absolutely Certain Constitution Says What He Thinks It Says
Man Who Can’t Name Three Branches of Government Absolutely Certain Constitution Says What He Thinks It Says
Congress Votes That Health Insurance Premiums “Don’t Matter,” Americans Encouraged To Pay Astronomical Amounts Out of Pocket
Congress Votes That Health Insurance Premiums “Don’t Matter,” Americans Encouraged To Pay Astronomical Amounts Out of Pocket
U.S. Government Breaks World Record for Doing Nothing
Congress Wins Gold in Inactivity as Shutdown Hits 37 Days
AI Takes the Controls as Air Traffic Controllers Work Without Pay — and Patience
AI Takes the Controls as Air Traffic Controllers Work Without Pay — and Patience