WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to restore public trust, the United States Senate has voted to ban lawmakers and staff from placing bets on prediction markets involving wars, elections, economic crashes, and other events they may have accidentally learned about during classified briefings.

After years of immersive field study, federal officials announced Tuesday that fraud is, in fact, bad, unveiling a bold new initiative to prohibit the very activity they have quietly tolerated, outsourced, subsidized, and accidentally rewarded for generations.

In a stirring bipartisan display of principle, members of Congress pledged Tuesday to crack down on corruption immediately following an elegant private fundraiser attended by several of the nation’s largest defense contractors, lobbyists, consultants, and “concerned stakeholders” with active financial interests in never-ending war.

“Defense officials confirmed Tuesday that another $1 billion had become unaccounted for somewhere inside the nation’s military bureaucracy, reassuring Americans that while the money itself may be gone, the confidence with which they discussed its disappearance remains fully intact.”

ATLANTA, GA — As the Department of Homeland Security shutdown drags into another week, TSA agents across the country are reportedly calling out of work in record numbers, citing a recently discovered condition known as “wanting a paycheck.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citizens across the United States confirmed Monday that they are continuing to wait patiently for someone—anyone—to be held accountable for something.

Man Who Can’t Name Three Branches of Government Absolutely Certain Constitution Says What He Thinks It Says

Congress Votes That Health Insurance Premiums “Don’t Matter,” Americans Encouraged To Pay Astronomical Amounts Out of Pocket

Congress Wins Gold in Inactivity as Shutdown Hits 37 Days

AI Takes the Controls as Air Traffic Controllers Work Without Pay — and Patience

Despite Government Freeze, Hyperbole Marches On