Man Who Can’t Name Three Branches of Government Absolutely Certain Constitution Says What He Thinks It Says

“I don’t need to read it to know what the Founders intended,” patriot explains

By Chet “Do Your Own Research” Freedomson
Constitutional Scholar (Self-Certified)
Location: Somewhere Between a Facebook Comment Section and a Pickup Truck

SUBURBAN AMERICA — Local man Derek Wallace, 47, who could not name all three branches of the U.S. government even after being given multiple chances and a helpful hint, announced Monday that he is nonetheless extremely confident the Constitution explicitly supports every political opinion he currently holds.

Wallace, speaking loudly and without interruption, explained that actually reading the Constitution is “for liberals” and “people who hate freedom,” adding that the document’s meaning is “obvious if you just have common sense.”

“I mean, come on,” Wallace said, shaking his head. “The Founders were crystal clear. They wanted exactly what I want. That’s just history.”

When asked to elaborate on which specific part of the Constitution supports his views, Wallace cited “the First Amendment,” “the gun one,” and “the one about not letting the government tell you what to do,” before confidently concluding, “There’s a lot of them.”

Pressed to name the three branches of government, Wallace responded with “the President,” “the military,” and “the Constitution,” before accusing the interviewer of playing “gotcha games.”

Reading Is Optional, Confidence Is Mandatory

According to Wallace, his understanding of constitutional law comes from a carefully curated information diet consisting of viral videos, screenshots of tweets, and a podcast hosted by “a guy who really breaks it down.”

“I don’t trust interpretations,” Wallace said. “I trust vibes. And the vibe of the Constitution is freedom. Unlimited freedom. Specifically for me.”

Wallace further clarified that while he has never read the Constitution in full, he once skimmed a laminated pocket version at a gun show but found it “too small to take seriously.”

Experts confirm this is increasingly common.

“We’re seeing a rise in what we call Constitutional Intuition Syndrome,” said Dr. Elaine Mercer, a political scientist. “People feel the Constitution agrees with them emotionally, and that feeling replaces literacy.”

Founding Fathers Repeatedly Invoked, Never Quoted

Throughout the interview, Wallace repeatedly referenced “what the Founders wanted,” despite being unable to name more than two of them and referring to James Madison as “the guy who did the papers.”

“They’d be rolling in their graves if they saw what’s happening,” Wallace said, gesturing broadly at everything. “They fought a war so I wouldn’t have to read anything longer than a meme.”

When informed that several Founding Fathers wrote extensively about civic education, Wallace dismissed the claim outright.

“That sounds fake,” he said. “They didn’t even have Facebook back then.”

Absolutely Certain, Mildly Hostile

Despite his lack of specific knowledge, Wallace expressed total certainty that anyone who disagrees with him is either “un-American,” “brainwashed,” or “doesn’t understand the Constitution like I do.”

“I’ve done my research,” Wallace said. “I watched a 12-minute video at 1.25x speed. You can’t argue with facts.”

At press time, Wallace was reportedly drafting a lengthy social media post declaring himself a “constitutional absolutist” and warning that democracy is under threat from people who “read too much into words.”

“I just know I’m right,” Wallace said. “And honestly, that’s what the Constitution is all about.”