Study Finds Americans Would Be Thriving If Rent, Groceries, Healthcare, And Time Were Free
By Staff Writer, Running The Numbers Again
WASHINGTON—A groundbreaking new study released Tuesday confirmed what many Americans have long suspected: they would be thriving if rent, groceries, healthcare, and time were free, according to researchers who described the findings as “both obvious and deeply upsetting.”
The study, conducted by the Institute for Economic Reality Checks, found that once the cost of housing, food, medical care, and the passage of time were removed from daily life, most Americans demonstrated marked improvements in mood, productivity, and general will to live.
“When you take away the things that are slowly crushing people, they actually do pretty well,” said lead researcher Dr. Elaine Porter. “We were surprised by how quickly participants began sleeping better, laughing more, and no longer Googling ‘Is this normal?’”
Participants in the study reported immediate improvements after imagining a life in which rent did not consume the majority of their income, groceries were no longer priced like luxury items, healthcare was accessible without financial ruin, and time was not constantly running out.
“One subject told us she would finally pursue hobbies,” Porter added. “Another said he would simply lie down without guilt. These were considered extremely positive outcomes.”
According to the report, Americans freed from these expenses displayed higher levels of creativity, patience, and emotional availability, with many participants stating they would become “insufferably pleasant” under such conditions.
“I don’t need much,” said study participant Rachel Kim. “I just don’t want to choose between going to the doctor and paying rent. Or between buying fruit and feeling reckless.”
The study also found that Americans would thrive even more if, in addition to free necessities, they were no longer expected to answer emails at all hours or maintain a personality while exhausted.
Critics were quick to dismiss the findings as unrealistic, noting that eliminating rent, grocery costs, healthcare expenses, and time itself would be “economically complex” and “not how things are done,” despite acknowledging that the current system is actively ruining people.
“Sure, people might be happier,” said one policy analyst. “But have we considered how that would impact productivity metrics?”
At press time, researchers confirmed the study would have no measurable impact on policy, but said it had already provided comfort to millions of Americans who now know their burnout is not a personal failure, but a completely rational response to existing conditions.