Trump Declares Venezuela 51st State in Surprise Late-Night Announcement
By Staff Writer, Continental Expansion Desk
Location: A Map That Suddenly Looks Much Bigger
WASHINGTON—Saying it was time for America to “think boldly and maybe purchase a slightly larger flag,” President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that Venezuela has officially become the 51st state of the Union, effective immediately and apparently without anyone in Venezuela being consulted.
The declaration, delivered in a 1:14 a.m. social-media post written entirely in capital letters, confirmed that the oil-rich South American nation would be rebranded as “New Florida, But With Mountains.”
“From now on, Venezuelans are proud Americans,” Trump told reporters who were hastily awakened and handed new briefing packets. “They just don’t know it yet. That’s how statehood works.”
Sources within the administration say the decision was made after Trump reportedly stared at a globe for several minutes, pointed at it, and said, “We should own more of this.”
Transition Already Underway
Federal agencies are now scrambling to manage the logistical challenges of instant annexation, including:
Updating all U.S. maps
Adding a 51st star to the flag (tentatively “Star DLC Pack”)
Figuring out how far away Venezuela actually is
Determining whether Caracas qualifies for snow emergencies
The Transportation Department confirmed that all Venezuelan driver’s licenses would be honored as long as holders agree to call interstate highways “the Pike.”
Meanwhile, the Treasury Department has begun the complex process of converting the Venezuelan bolívar to U.S. dollars at an exchange rate described as “whatever feels patriotic.”
Questions Remain
When asked whether the Constitution allows a president to unilaterally turn another sovereign country into a state, Trump waved off concerns.
“Very legal. Tremendously legal,” he said. “Some of the most legal anyone has ever seen.”
Political analysts confirmed they are unsure how to react because, as of press time, reality appears to be losing a staring contest with satire.
“Honestly, we thought he was joking,” said one senior aide. “But he also ordered 30,000 ‘Welcome to America’ banners in Spanish, so we’re proceeding as though this is actually happening.”
At press time, Congress was debating whether to grant Venezuela two senators or simply place the entire country on hold until after the next commercial break.