Worker Spends Entire First Day Back Mentally Drafting Next Vacation
By Thurston P. Keyboard
Still-Adjusting-To-Reality Correspondent
Location: A Break Room That Somehow Smells Exactly Like Work
NEWARK, NEW JERSEY — Local employee Kevin Ramirez returned to his office Monday morning after a cheerful stretch of paid time off and immediately entered a highly productive mental state focused exclusively on leaving again, sources confirmed.
Kevin Ramirez began his triumphant return to the workforce the way generations of professionals have before him: by sitting perfectly still at his desk and imagining himself anywhere else on Earth with laser-like concentration.
According to nearby witnesses, Ramirez achieved inbox re-entry at approximately 8:47 a.m., opened his laptop, took one long look at a spreadsheet he no longer recognized, and quietly began outlining a theoretical getaway to a beach resort he has never even Googled before.
“Hope you had a great break!” read his first email of the day, instantly proving to be both kindhearted and deeply threatening.
Ramirez reportedly spent the next six hours demonstrating remarkable discipline by pretending to work while internally calculating how many days he would need to request off before coworkers stopped remembering his face.
Industry analysts say this behavior is completely normal and peaks precisely 14 minutes after the first “per my last message” arrives from management.
“I’m just easing back into things,” Ramirez told no one in particular as he highlighted random lines of text and nodded at his monitor. Experts later clarified that “easing back into things” is corporate code for reopening 37 browser tabs labeled Cancun, Aruba, and “is it rude to take PTO in January?”
Human resources confirmed Ramirez’s output for the day included:
Two reopened PowerPoints
One half-hearted Teams message
And a fully developed fantasy of a long weekend so vivid it legally qualifies as effort.
By 4:02 p.m., sources say he had mentally booked flights, hotels, and a version of himself that has already resigned.
Productivity specialists warn that the first day back is the most fragile period in any vacation cycle, as excessive relaxation can cause employees to briefly realize that most meetings could have been an email, and most emails could have been a quiet personal thought never shared with anyone.
The company has congratulated Ramirez on his smooth transition and looks forward to his next courageous return from time off, tentatively scheduled in his head for later this month.