CHICAGO — Following the United States men’s national team’s devastating 4–1 elimination at the hands of Belgium, U.S. Soccer officials announced Tuesday that the program would be taking a hard look in the mirror and making one major tactical adjustment going forward: significantly more presidential interference and substantially less defending.

NEW YORK, NY — In what European officials are calling “a dark day for the beautiful game” and American officials are calling “finally understanding the sport,” the United States has reportedly mastered soccer just in time to begin influencing the rules, the referees, and the disciplinary process.

CHICAGO —

In a moving tribute to freedom, reflection, and the company’s ongoing commitment to not saying anything that could be interpreted too specifically, local consulting firm Bryson & Vale honored Juneteenth on Wednesday with a single company-wide email that reportedly took Legal, HR, Communications, the DEI Council, two senior partners, and one visibly shaken intern 11 full days to approve.

WASHINGTON, D.C. —

Foreign policy experts across Washington praised the newly announced Iran peace deal Monday, calling it “a historic breakthrough” and “an essential first step toward establishing the conditions necessary for the next Iran war.”

NEW YORK, NY —

The White House pushed back forcefully Monday against reports that President Donald Trump was booed during his appearance at Madison Square Garden, clarifying that the crowd was actually chanting “Boo-S-A! Boo-S-A!” in what officials described as “a spontaneous, deeply patriotic expression of rhythmic national unity.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold tribute to 250 years of American independence, Treasury officials confirmed Thursday that the nation may celebrate its semiquincentennial by introducing a commemorative $250 bill and then immediately asking the most underpaid workers in the country to decide whether it is real.

BEIJING, CHINA — President Donald Trump’s high-stakes state visit to China reportedly yielded a major diplomatic breakthrough Thursday after the president cracked open a fortune cookie at a formal banquet and discovered a tiny slip of paper reading: “Iran will never have a nuclear weapon.”

Fact-Checkers Immediately Enter Witness Protection Program

ICE Assures Italy It Will Not Arrest Anyone for Being Italian, Yet

World Powers Suddenly Very Interested in Arctic, Claim It’s About ‘Security’ and Definitely Not Resources

Brief Restoration Confirms Nothing Has Changed

Trump Declares Venezuela 51st State in Surprise Late-Night Announcement

Sources confirm the treaty saved trillions in hypothetical spending and countless imaginary lives.

“I went through all five stages of grief, and now they want me to log back into Outlook?”

Trump Slaps 100% Tariff on Foreign Brains

Trump Claims 300 Million Americans Died Last Year, Says Job Market Is ‘Best It’s Ever Been’

Trump EPA Announces Carbon Dioxide is Good for the Environment

STUDY FINDS 83% OF AMERICANS NOW LIVING INSIDE IKEA SHOWROOMS