WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold tribute to 250 years of American independence, Treasury officials confirmed Thursday that the nation may celebrate its semiquincentennial by introducing a commemorative $250 bill and then immediately asking the most underpaid workers in the country to decide whether it is real.

BEIJING, CHINA — President Donald Trump’s high-stakes state visit to China reportedly yielded a major diplomatic breakthrough Thursday after the president cracked open a fortune cookie at a formal banquet and discovered a tiny slip of paper reading: “Iran will never have a nuclear weapon.”

Fact-Checkers Immediately Enter Witness Protection Program

ICE Assures Italy It Will Not Arrest Anyone for Being Italian, Yet

World Powers Suddenly Very Interested in Arctic, Claim It’s About ‘Security’ and Definitely Not Resources

Brief Restoration Confirms Nothing Has Changed

Trump Declares Venezuela 51st State in Surprise Late-Night Announcement

Sources confirm the treaty saved trillions in hypothetical spending and countless imaginary lives.

“I went through all five stages of grief, and now they want me to log back into Outlook?”

Trump Slaps 100% Tariff on Foreign Brains

Trump Claims 300 Million Americans Died Last Year, Says Job Market Is ‘Best It’s Ever Been’

Trump EPA Announces Carbon Dioxide is Good for the Environment

STUDY FINDS 83% OF AMERICANS NOW LIVING INSIDE IKEA SHOWROOMS