Trump EPA Announces Carbon Dioxide is Good for the Environment
Carbon Dioxide is actually good for Mother Earth
By Climate Desk Correspondent, The Daily Hyperbole
In what officials are calling “a paradigm shift in environmental science,” the Trump administration’s Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has officially declared that carbon dioxide (CO₂) — the gas widely blamed for climate change — is not only harmless but essential for saving the planet.
EPA Administrator “Big Energy” Bill Fossil unveiled the policy at a press conference surrounded by a lush backdrop of potted plants and soda machines. “Look around,” he proclaimed, gesturing at the greenery. “Without carbon dioxide, none of this would exist. Do you hate trees? Do you hate soda fizz? Of course not. Well then, you should love carbon dioxide.”
A War on Science — Rebranded as a War for Plants
Critics call the move reckless, pointing out that CO₂ emissions are the primary driver of global warming. The administration, however, has rebranded this perspective as “anti-plant propaganda.”
“Photosynthesis is literally powered by CO₂,” Fossil explained. “We’ve decided to stop demonizing plant food. It’s time to end the discrimination against carbon.”
Industries Cheer, Scientists Groan
The fossil fuel industry immediately applauded the announcement, calling it “a liberation of molecules everywhere.” Oil executives were seen high-fiving outside headquarters, chanting, “Burn, baby, burn — for the trees!”
Meanwhile, climate scientists collectively facepalmed. One researcher at MIT simply muttered, “I quit,” before disappearing into a wind turbine.
MAGA: Make Atmosphere Gassy Again
As part of the rollout, the administration unveiled new bumper stickers reading MAGA: Make Atmosphere Gassy Again. Rumors swirl that the White House is considering tax credits for citizens who leave their cars idling as a form of “public service photosynthesis.”
Trump himself chimed in at a rally:
“The plants, they’re saying thank you. They’ve never been happier. Best chlorophyll numbers ever. Obama never did this for plants. Believe me.”
The New Green Deal — Literally
In a twist of irony, the administration is branding the policy as “The New Green Deal,” claiming it will create millions of jobs in lawn care, soda carbonation, and “CO₂ enrichment zones.”
When asked about rising sea levels, Fossil shrugged:
“More beachfront property. You’re welcome.”