Lawmakers Float Bold New Plan: Castration for All Men, “Just to Be Safe”

By: Eunuch Enthusiast

Washington, D.C. — In response to alarming new statistics on sexual assault, a small but vocal group of lawmakers has proposed a sweeping reform: universal male castration.

“Look, we’ve tried education campaigns, harsher sentencing, and public awareness,” said Senator Regina Blunt (I–Nowhere). “But clearly the only answer is to remove the… temptation. A clean cut solves everything.”

The plan, unofficially dubbed “Snip the Problem in the Bud,” would reportedly include tax credits for early volunteers, frequent flyer miles for repeat snippers, and a Castration Czar appointed by the White House to oversee compliance.

Critics argue the proposal may be an overreach. “This is like banning forks because of the obesity epidemic,” said one bewildered constitutional scholar.

Meanwhile, surgical lobbyists and manufacturers of ice packs have already begun aggressively supporting the bill. Wall Street reacted accordingly: frozen pea futures jumped 600% overnight.

The measure is not expected to pass, but as one staffer quipped: “In this Congress, you never know who’s willing to go balls-to-the-wall.”