CAMBRIDGE, MA — Celebrating Women's History Month by honoring generations of female intellectual achievement, local woman Mary Kelly reportedly completed the academic equivalent of a graduate degree in Forensic Science Thursday night after spending 45 minutes Googling a man she matched with on a dating app.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Local resident Emily Carter reportedly declared “I’ll just do it myself” Tuesday afternoon after quietly observing a man struggle with what witnesses described as “a fairly straightforward task.”

Lawmakers Float Bold New Plan: Castration for All Men, “Just to Be Safe”