WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to restore public trust, the United States Senate has voted to ban lawmakers and staff from placing bets on prediction markets involving wars, elections, economic crashes, and other events they may have accidentally learned about during classified briefings.

After years of immersive field study, federal officials announced Tuesday that fraud is, in fact, bad, unveiling a bold new initiative to prohibit the very activity they have quietly tolerated, outsourced, subsidized, and accidentally rewarded for generations.

ATLANTA, GA — As the Department of Homeland Security shutdown drags into another week, TSA agents across the country are reportedly calling out of work in record numbers, citing a recently discovered condition known as “wanting a paycheck.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citizens across the United States confirmed Monday that they are continuing to wait patiently for someone—anyone—to be held accountable for something.

Man Who Can’t Name Three Branches of Government Absolutely Certain Constitution Says What He Thinks It Says

Experts Stunned By Confidence Alone

Congress Votes That Health Insurance Premiums “Don’t Matter,” Americans Encouraged To Pay Astronomical Amounts Out of Pocket

AI Takes the Controls as Air Traffic Controllers Work Without Pay — and Patience

Despite Government Freeze, Hyperbole Marches On

Lawmakers Float Bold New Plan: Castration for All Men, “Just to Be Safe”