Congress Votes That Health Insurance Premiums “Don’t Matter,” Americans Encouraged To Pay Astronomical Amounts Out of Pocket
By Staff Writer, Currently Negotiating a $9,000 Copay
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking vote held just after brunch and before anyone had time to read the bill, Congress today announced that health insurance premiums “no longer matter,” citing their collective belief that “people can just… figure it out.”
The new legislation, titled the Personal Responsibility & Bootstraps Act, includes a simple provision: every American will now owe an amount equal to the GDP of a small lunar colony for basic medical care.
Under the new system:
A routine check-up will cost $48,000, plus a “vibes surcharge.”
An ambulance ride will be billed as a luxury experience, starting at $399,999 “depending on add-ons like wheels or oxygen.”
Band-Aids will be available at the hospital gift shop for $7,200 each, or a discounted Value Pack for $650,000.
Lawmakers assured the public that the policy was created with “thoughtful consideration,” which sources confirmed means they skimmed a TikTok titled “How to Be a Girlboss With Your Finances.”
“We’ve heard your concerns,” said Senator Flatly Dismissive, “and we firmly believe that if Americans simply work harder and develop five or six lucrative side hustles, they’ll have no trouble paying for medical expenses.”
When asked what the uninsured should do in emergencies, Congress recommended “toughing it out,” “positive thinking,” or “just not breaking any bones.”
In a touching moment of bipartisanship, both parties agreed that health care is a human right — just not one they feel like funding right now.
Meanwhile, Americans have begun preparing for the new costs by launching GoFundMe campaigns preemptively, often titled things like “Future Healthcare Eventually Probably” or “Help Me Afford Whatever Happens Next Tuesday.”
Economists warn that the new system may lead to financial strain, but Congress countered by approving a $10 million grant to study “whether money is real or just a vibe.”