Major Tech Company Announces Revolutionary Product That Already Exists
Keynote Speaker Spends Two Hours Rebranding… a Chair.
SAN FRANCISCO — In a highly anticipated keynote that promised to “reshape the future of human existence,” tech giant Orbifold Industries unveiled its newest breakthrough: The Chair+ — a chair, but with Bluetooth.
Standing before an audience of journalists, investors, and at least six influencers live-streaming from ring-light rigs, CEO Lionel Furlong described the Chair+ as “the single greatest advancement in human sitting since the concept of sitting itself.”
The Chair+ features:
Adaptive Gravity Resistance™ (four legs)
Ambient Biophysical Posture Harmonization™ (a backrest)
Seamless Low-Friction Biomechanical Descent™ (you can sit down)
Zero-Latency Positional Recalibration™ (you can stand back up)
USB-C port for no reason
When asked what the Chair+ does that a normal chair doesn’t, Furlong replied, “That’s the wrong question. The right question is: What were chairs doing wrong all this time?”
The audience nodded thoughtfully, pretending they understood.
Preorders Surge Anyway
Despite its $1,299 price tag, Chair+ preorders sold out instantly after the company promised its “exclusive, members-only SitOS updates” would include future features such as:
Heat, maybe
Chair-to-chair messaging
A meditation app that plays ocean sounds through the seat
Firmware patches “to fix your posture or break your spirit, depending on user preference”
The Pro Max version — which is identical except for the color “Carbon Reverie” — costs $1,899.
Critics Are… Confused
Furniture experts expressed mild concern.
“Chairs have worked fine for 7,000 years,” said Dr. Melissa Rann, Professor of Everyday Objects at MIT. “This one connects to WiFi, which raises questions. Why? How? Does it tweet?”
Early testers report the Chair+ occasionally asks users to install security updates before sitting.
“If you skip the update, it locks the legs,” said one reviewer. “My family thinks I invented a new form of time-out.”
Furlong’s Closing Message: “The Future Is Seated”
Ending the keynote, Furlong placed a reverent hand on the Chair+ and declared:
“For too long, we have taken chairs for granted. Today we rise… by sitting better.”
The crowd erupted in applause as Furlong exited the stage on a hoverboard that the company swears is unrelated to next year's Table Ultra.