CONGRESS VOTES TO UNLEASH EPSTEIN FILES
Experts Warn: “This Could Take Out Half of D.C.”
By The Daily Hyperbole Scandal Desk
WASHINGTON — In a stunning act of bipartisan panic disguised as transparency, the U.S. House of Representatives voted 427–1 to force the release of the Jeffrey Epstein files, a decision insiders are calling “The Great Washington Purge,” “Career Suicide by Legislative Order,” and “The Day LinkedIn Set Itself on Fire.”
Lawmakers cheered, clapped, and immediately texted their lawyers.
According to congressional staffers, the moment the vote passed, at least 64 Members googled “Can the FBI arrest a sitting Congressman?” while another 37 searched for “how to delete your name from flight logs” and “do private islands have extradition treaties.”
Sources confirm that one senator was overheard whispering, “I thought we buried this in 2019…” before fainting into a staffer’s arms.
Near-Unanimous Vote Raises Eyebrows
The vote was so lopsided — 427–1 — that historians agree this is the first time Congress has achieved unity since the invention of the internet, pizza, or possibly fire.
The lone “no” vote came from Rep. Clay Higgins, who reportedly said he was “reading the bill upside down” and “thought it was about tax reform.” More on this developing situation as Higgins continues to insist he “has nothing to hide” while frantically tossing old hard drives into the Potomac.
What’s in the Files?
Though the Department of Justice has not yet confirmed the full contents, experts predict the following:
A list of names long enough to qualify as a congressional roll call.
Flight logs that read like the RSVPs to the Met Gala of moral corruption.
Emails written entirely in code words like “massage,” “donation,” and “executive retreat.”
Enough kompromat to keep cable news employed for the next decade.
Insiders worry the files might reveal the horrifying truth:
Many of Washington’s most powerful people once knew Epstein personally, professionally, or at least inconveniently enough to panic.
Senate Braces for Impact
The bill now heads to the U.S. Senate, where aides report:
One senator locked himself in his office and ordered 14 shredders from Amazon Prime.
Another was seen updating his LinkedIn to “Open to Opportunities (Preferably Overseas).”
The Senate Judiciary Committee ordered a bulk shipment of chamomile tea and adult diapers.
Potential Consequences for America
If the files truly expose what many suspect, experts predict:
Half of D.C. resigning “to spend more time with family.”
Three new political parties forming overnight.
Majority of cable news anchors entering witness protection.
Washington, D.C. spontaneously achieving the moral clarity of a middle school cafeteria.
Wall Street reacted quickly: stock prices for popcorn companies soared.
Public Reaction
Across the country, Americans expressed shock, excitement, and an irresistible urge to refresh Twitter every 6–8 seconds.
“This is the first thing Congress has done that actually affects me,” said one citizen while microwaving popcorn for the third time that morning.
Another told reporters, “This better be good. If I waited this long for a redacted PDF, I’m suing.”
The Daily Hyperbole’s Official Position
Let the files out.
Let them all out.
Let the sun burn away the rot.
And when the dust settles, we will be here — ready to report on the chaos, the meltdowns, and the sudden spike in private jet sales.
Democracy may not always be pretty, but today, it’s at least entertaining.