WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to curb weeks of increasingly bizarre online speculation, Senate leadership issued a statement Tuesday clarifying that, in the event a sitting senator were to return as a zombie, they would remain eligible to vote unless otherwise prohibited by the Constitution.

Portland, Maine

In a powerful display of moral clarity arriving just moments after the internal numbers became “pretty hard to ignore,” a major Senate campaign announced Tuesday that it is taking recent allegations against its candidate extremely seriously, citing a deep commitment to values, accountability, and several newly alarming crosstabs.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to restore public trust, the United States Senate has voted to ban lawmakers and staff from placing bets on prediction markets involving wars, elections, economic crashes, and other events they may have accidentally learned about during classified briefings.

Experts Warn: “This Could Take Out Half of D.C.”