WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to curb weeks of increasingly bizarre online speculation, Senate leadership issued a statement Tuesday clarifying that, in the event a sitting senator were to return as a zombie, they would remain eligible to vote unless otherwise prohibited by the Constitution.

Portland, Maine

In a powerful display of moral clarity arriving just moments after the internal numbers became “pretty hard to ignore,” a major Senate campaign announced Tuesday that it is taking recent allegations against its candidate extremely seriously, citing a deep commitment to values, accountability, and several newly alarming crosstabs.

Experts Warn: “This Could Take Out Half of D.C.”