Trump Enters Lame-Duck Era, Duck Denies Association
WASHINGTON— Following Republican losses in both the House and Senate, a local duck held an emergency press conference Wednesday to distance himself from President Donald Trump, insisting he had a functioning agenda, broad support around the pond, and several places he could still realistically go.
White House Press Secretary Completes Entire Career in Five Days
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Press Secretary Katie Zacharia concluded a distinguished five-day career Friday, completing a remarkable professional journey that included a promising debut, a major controversy, a period of intense public scrutiny, and an abrupt retirement, all before the weekend.
Local Man Invents Telepathy, Still Insists on PowerPoint
COLUMBUS, OHIO — Despite secretly developing a technology capable of transmitting complex ideas directly between human minds, local IT specialist Brian Haskett maintained Friday that humanity’s best hope remained a well-organized PowerPoint presentation.
Local Woman’s Faith in Meat Sticks Shattered by Bone Fragment
BOSTON, MA — A local woman announced Tuesday that her longstanding confidence in meat sticks had been “fundamentally shaken” after an otherwise routine snack contained what she described as “a piece of the infrastructure.”
European Parliament Unveils Naked Trump Statue, Officials Confirm Nobody Asked for This
STRASBOURG, FRANCE — European lawmakers were forced to temporarily set aside pressing matters of international security, economic policy, and climate change this week after an enormous golden statue of a naked Donald Trump appeared inside the European Parliament, raising serious questions about both the state of global diplomacy and who approved the building's decorations.
Trump Threatens Iran With WWII-Level CAPS LOCK
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump escalated tensions with Iran late Saturday by deploying levels of CAPS LOCK not seen since World War II, unleashing a concentrated barrage of capital letters across Truth Social and placing the entire Persian Gulf on heightened typographical alert.
State Department Unveils New Vibes-Based Map Of Africa
RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL — The U.S. State Department unveiled a dramatically redesigned map of Africa this week after determining that the continent’s existing geography was “outdated, overly complicated, and unnecessarily dependent on facts.”
Senate Confirms Zombie Mitch McConnell Still Eligible To Vote
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to curb weeks of increasingly bizarre online speculation, Senate leadership issued a statement Tuesday clarifying that, in the event a sitting senator were to return as a zombie, they would remain eligible to vote unless otherwise prohibited by the Constitution.
America Renews Iran War Subscription After Free Ceasefire Trial Expires
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States has officially renewed its premium war subscription with Iran after allowing a complimentary ceasefire trial to expire, White House officials confirmed Thursday.
Campaign Announces It Is Taking Allegations Very Seriously, Mostly Because Polling Also Did
Portland, Maine
In a powerful display of moral clarity arriving just moments after the internal numbers became “pretty hard to ignore,” a major Senate campaign announced Tuesday that it is taking recent allegations against its candidate extremely seriously, citing a deep commitment to values, accountability, and several newly alarming crosstabs.
U.S. Soccer Announces New Strategy: More Presidential Interference, Less Defending
CHICAGO — Following the United States men’s national team’s devastating 4–1 elimination at the hands of Belgium, U.S. Soccer officials announced Tuesday that the program would be taking a hard look in the mirror and making one major tactical adjustment going forward: significantly more presidential interference and substantially less defending.
Europeans Furious After America Finally Learns Soccer And Immediately Starts Rigging It
NEW YORK, NY — In what European officials are calling “a dark day for the beautiful game” and American officials are calling “finally understanding the sport,” the United States has reportedly mastered soccer just in time to begin influencing the rules, the referees, and the disciplinary process.
Federal Agents Search For Suspect Believed To Be Armed With Chlorophyll
WASHINGTON, D.C. —
Federal agents widened their search Tuesday for a dangerous suspect believed to be armed with chlorophyll after the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool turned green in what officials are calling “a coordinated photosynthetic attack on the American way of life.”
White House Says Boos Were Actually Chants Of ‘Boo-S-A! Boo-S-A!’
NEW YORK, NY —
The White House pushed back forcefully Monday against reports that President Donald Trump was booed during his appearance at Madison Square Garden, clarifying that the crowd was actually chanting “Boo-S-A! Boo-S-A!” in what officials described as “a spontaneous, deeply patriotic expression of rhythmic national unity.”
Area Woman Makes Awkward Eye Contact With Man She Rejected On Morning Commute
A local woman’s Tuesday morning commute took a dramatic turn after she accidentally made direct eye contact with a man she recently rejected, forcing both parties to acknowledge, for approximately 1.7 seconds, that they are still alive and using the same public transportation system.
America Marks 250th Birthday By Asking Cashiers To Break A $250
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold tribute to 250 years of American independence, Treasury officials confirmed Thursday that the nation may celebrate its semiquincentennial by introducing a commemorative $250 bill and then immediately asking the most underpaid workers in the country to decide whether it is real.
Economists Warn War May Be Bad For Prices, Consumers, Supply Chains, And Everyone Involved
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning breakthrough that experts are calling “obvious in hindsight and also obvious beforehand,” leading economists warned Thursday that war may be bad for prices, consumers, supply chains, fuel costs, grocery bills, household budgets, global stability, and nearly everyone directly or indirectly involved.
Peace Talks Enter Exciting New Phase Where Everyone Keeps Bombing Each Other
WASHINGTON / TEHRAN — Negotiations to end the rapidly escalating conflict between the United States and Iran reportedly entered a promising new phase Tuesday after both sides confirmed they were still committed to peace, provided they could continue exchanging carefully calibrated explosions between diplomatic statements.
45 Million Americans Honor Fallen Heroes By Sitting Motionless On Interstate
Nation pauses to reflect, idle, merge badly, and contemplate whether taking the scenic route was a mistake
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a moving national tribute to America’s fallen service members, approximately 45 million Americans are expected to spend Memorial Day weekend sitting completely motionless on highways, staring at brake lights, and asking loved ones whether this was “really worth it.”