Federal Agents Search For Suspect Believed To Be Armed With Chlorophyll

By Thurston P. Bootstrap IV
Senior Aquatic Counterterrorism Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. —

Federal agents widened their search Tuesday for a dangerous suspect believed to be armed with chlorophyll after the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool turned green in what officials are calling “a coordinated photosynthetic attack on the American way of life.”

Authorities say the suspect, described as “green, slippery, and possibly multicellular,” remains at large somewhere inside the pool, where it is believed to be reproducing rapidly under the cover of direct sunlight.

“This was not random algae,” said Deputy Assistant Park Security Liaison Brent Cavanaugh, standing beside a drained section of the Reflecting Pool while holding up a plastic evidence bag containing what appeared to be pond scum. “This was algae with intent.”

According to officials, the suspect may have gained access to the Reflecting Pool through several vulnerabilities, including heat, stagnant water, sunlight, and the fact that it is a pool.

The White House praised the rapid federal response, noting that National Park Service staff, U.S. Park Police, and several nanobubbles had already been deployed to the scene.

“These are not ordinary bubbles,” said Cavanaugh. “These are elite tactical bubbles trained to restore order at the microscopic level.”

Investigators have not ruled out the possibility that the algae received outside support from ducks, humidity, or a radicalized garden hose. Officials are also reviewing security footage for any suspicious organisms loitering near the National Mall while visibly containing chloroplasts.

The White House condemned the attack in a statement, calling the greening of the Reflecting Pool “a disgraceful act of eco-vandalism” and promising that the pool would soon be restored to “a strong, patriotic blue that does not photosynthesize.”

At press time, federal agents had surrounded a suspicious patch of moss near the Lincoln Memorial and were ordering it to surrender peacefully.