WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States has officially renewed its premium war subscription with Iran after allowing a complimentary ceasefire trial to expire, White House officials confirmed Thursday.

WASHINGTON, D.C. —

Federal agents widened their search Tuesday for a dangerous suspect believed to be armed with chlorophyll after the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool turned green in what officials are calling “a coordinated photosynthetic attack on the American way of life.”

NEW YORK, NY —

The White House pushed back forcefully Monday against reports that President Donald Trump was booed during his appearance at Madison Square Garden, clarifying that the crowd was actually chanting “Boo-S-A! Boo-S-A!” in what officials described as “a spontaneous, deeply patriotic expression of rhythmic national unity.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold tribute to 250 years of American independence, Treasury officials confirmed Thursday that the nation may celebrate its semiquincentennial by introducing a commemorative $250 bill and then immediately asking the most underpaid workers in the country to decide whether it is real.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning breakthrough that experts are calling “obvious in hindsight and also obvious beforehand,” leading economists warned Thursday that war may be bad for prices, consumers, supply chains, fuel costs, grocery bills, household budgets, global stability, and nearly everyone directly or indirectly involved.

BEIJING, CHINA — President Donald Trump’s high-stakes state visit to China reportedly yielded a major diplomatic breakthrough Thursday after the president cracked open a fortune cookie at a formal banquet and discovered a tiny slip of paper reading: “Iran will never have a nuclear weapon.”

Fact-Checkers Immediately Enter Witness Protection Program

Experts Warn: “This Could Take Out Half of D.C.”

“I went through all five stages of grief, and now they want me to log back into Outlook?”