WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has been named the greatest president in American history following an extensive and highly competitive review conducted by Donald Trump.

By Thurston P. Bootstrap IV, Senior Pizza Party Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is reportedly devastated after a federal appeals court blocked construction of his new White House ballroom, temporarily destroying his dream of hosting really awesome pizza parties.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States has officially renewed its premium war subscription with Iran after allowing a complimentary ceasefire trial to expire, White House officials confirmed Thursday.

BEIJING, CHINA — President Donald Trump’s high-stakes state visit to China reportedly yielded a major diplomatic breakthrough Thursday after the president cracked open a fortune cookie at a formal banquet and discovered a tiny slip of paper reading: “Iran will never have a nuclear weapon.”

Americans praise document’s remarkable ability to validate mutually exclusive conclusions simultaneously
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A newly surfaced document widely described online as a “Jeffrey Epstein suicide note” has rapidly achieved what experts are calling a historic breakthrough in modern discourse: confirming every American’s preexisting belief at the exact same time.