Trump Named Greatest President in Prestigious Survey Conducted by Trump

Exhaustive historical review finds Trump narrowly edging out Trump for top spot

By Dr. Cassandra Mockingbird

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has been named the greatest president in American history following an extensive and highly competitive review conducted by Donald Trump.

The results, published by Trump after what experts believe was several minutes of rigorous consideration, placed Trump alone in the coveted “Greatest” category, narrowly defeating Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and several other presidents handicapped by the considerable disadvantage of not being Donald Trump.

“This was not predetermined,” said a source familiar with the president’s thought process. “President Trump entered the evaluation with an open mind. He considered Trump’s record, weighed it against Trump’s accomplishments, reviewed Trump’s thoughts on Trump, and ultimately concluded that Trump was the clear winner.”

The selection process reportedly evaluated presidents across several key leadership categories, including economic policy, wartime leadership, historical significance, number of buildings bearing their surname, television experience, crowd-size awareness, and ability to personally determine whether they were a good president.

Trump received perfect scores in all seven categories.

George Washington finished in the “Great” category after losing points for serving only two terms, failing to own a social media platform, and never once publicly describing George Washington as the greatest president who ever lived.

Abraham Lincoln also received a “Great” rating, although evaluators noted that his failure to personally rank himself above every other president raised serious questions about his confidence.

“Lincoln did some good things,” explained one historian who does not exist. “But did he ever post a chart explaining exactly how good those things were? That’s where Trump has really changed the presidency.”

The biggest surprise came from Ronald Reagan, Dwight Eisenhower, John F. Kennedy, and several other former presidents who were absent from the rankings entirely.

Officials later clarified that being excluded did not necessarily mean those presidents performed poorly.

“It may simply mean the President forgot about them,” said one aide. “Which is actually a separate category we’re considering adding next year.”

Former Presidents Joe Biden and Barack Obama were placed in the “Failures” category, a result historians described as an unexpected coincidence given that both men are political opponents Trump has spent years criticizing.

Researchers initially planned to conduct an independent review of the rankings but abandoned the effort after learning that the person being evaluated, the evaluator, the publisher, and the person announcing the results were all the same man.

“That creates some methodological concerns,” said Dr. Harold Wentworth, a fictional professor of presidential history at the University of Somewhere. “Ideally, when conducting a survey on whether you are the greatest person in history, you want a sample size larger than yourself.”

Trump dismissed those concerns, pointing out that the survey achieved an extraordinary 100% response rate.

The White House is reportedly already planning additional rankings following the success of the presidential study, including Greatest American Businessman, Best Presidential Hair, Most Accurate Person About Crowd Sizes, and the highly anticipated Greatest Donald Trump, a category in which the president is currently considered the overwhelming favorite.

Still, officials cautioned that nothing has been decided.

“Eric has not been formally eliminated.”