NEW YORK, NY — In what European officials are calling “a dark day for the beautiful game” and American officials are calling “finally understanding the sport,” the United States has reportedly mastered soccer just in time to begin influencing the rules, the referees, and the disciplinary process.

NEW YORK, NY —

The White House pushed back forcefully Monday against reports that President Donald Trump was booed during his appearance at Madison Square Garden, clarifying that the crowd was actually chanting “Boo-S-A! Boo-S-A!” in what officials described as “a spontaneous, deeply patriotic expression of rhythmic national unity.”