WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced Friday that all Canadian imports would face a new 100% tariff, plus invasion, unveiling what administration officials described as a comprehensive trade package with a small military component roughly the size of Canada.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Republicans successfully summoned Mitch McConnell from the realm of the dead Wednesday after determining that passing a farm bill would require one additional vote and a modest violation of the natural order.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The world’s leading artificial intelligence companies reached a historic consensus Wednesday that their technology poses a profound threat to humanity, signing a joint declaration before returning to their offices to make it considerably more powerful.

By Thurston P. Bootstrap IV, National Heartbreak Recovery Correspondent
Medford, Massachusetts—Americans began the difficult process of healing Wednesday after officials confirmed that a promising local relationship had ended following three dates, abruptly closing one of the most consequential romantic chapters of the week.

WASHINGTON—President Donald Trump ordered a decoy Air Force One shot down Thursday after intelligence officials confirmed that the aircraft contained the White House press corps and, more importantly, did not contain him.

By Thurston P. Bootstrap IV, Senior Pizza Party Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is reportedly devastated after a federal appeals court blocked construction of his new White House ballroom, temporarily destroying his dream of hosting really awesome pizza parties.