Trump Orders Fake Air Force One Shot Down With Fake News Media Aboard

By Seymour Turbulence, Staff Propagandist

WASHINGTON—President Donald Trump ordered a decoy Air Force One shot down Thursday after intelligence officials confirmed that the aircraft contained the White House press corps and, more importantly, did not contain him.

“It was a fake Air Force One filled with the Fake News Media,” Trump explained from the safety of an undisclosed third airplane. “Frankly, it may be the most perfect military target ever assembled. Beautiful symbolism. Everybody agrees.”

The opportunity reportedly arose after the Secret Service advised Trump against leaving Turkey aboard his new $400 million Qatari-gifted jet, which officials determined was luxurious enough to transport a president but insufficiently equipped to keep one alive.

Trump publicly boarded an older presidential aircraft before secretly slipping out through a catering truck and transferring to another government plane. Reporters were instructed to close their window shades while the maneuver took place.

White House journalists, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, and Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent then departed aboard the decoy, believing Trump remained somewhere near the front of the aircraft.

Upon learning that nearly every reporter he disliked had been concentrated inside a single pressurized metal tube, Trump ordered military officials to “take advantage of this incredible opportunity.”

“Why waste a perfectly good decoy?” Trump asked. “We had CNN. We had Reuters. We had all the failing newspapers. Everyone was aboard except the president, which meant the plane was carrying tremendous risk and absolutely nobody important.”

White House officials strongly denied that the president had targeted journalists.

“The president did not order reporters shot down,” Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt clarified. “He ordered an airplane shot down. The fact that the airplane happened to contain dozens of reporters was an unfortunate consequence of White House seating assignments.”

Leavitt added that the administration remains fully committed to freedom of the press, including each journalist’s freedom to select an aisle seat, window seat, or emergency exit row.

Secret Service officials said the decoy aircraft had satisfied the agency’s minimum requirements for transporting members of the media. Internal safety classifications reportedly include “Presidential Grade,” “Cabinet Grade,” “Civilian Grade,” and “Probably Fine for Journalists.”

“The aircraft lacked certain advanced missile countermeasures necessary to protect the president,” one agent explained. “Fortunately, that concern became irrelevant the moment we removed the president.”

Pentagon lawyers briefly delayed Trump’s order after noting that “Air Force One” is merely the call sign of whichever aircraft currently carries the president. Because Trump was no longer aboard, officials reclassified the reporter-filled jet as “Air Force Everyone Else.”

Rubio reportedly objected to the designation from his seat aboard the decoy but was unable to reach the White House because the aircraft had no Wi-Fi.

Military officials also paused the operation long enough to evacuate the lone Fox News correspondent, who had been mistakenly seated with the other journalists.

“Very close call,” Trump said. “We almost lost a terrific reporter.”

Qatari officials emphasized that their donated aircraft had never been advertised as missile-proof and noted that advanced presidential protection was available only as part of the optional Platinum Emir package.

At press time, the strike had not been conducted because the decoy landed safely before Trump finished dictating the order. The president has since directed the White House to hold all future press briefings aboard randomly selected aircraft flying through contested airspace.

“If I go, you go,” Trump reminded reporters. “But if you go, maybe I’m already on another plane.”