STRASBOURG, FRANCE — European lawmakers were forced to temporarily set aside pressing matters of international security, economic policy, and climate change this week after an enormous golden statue of a naked Donald Trump appeared inside the European Parliament, raising serious questions about both the state of global diplomacy and who approved the building's decorations.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Republicans successfully summoned Mitch McConnell from the realm of the dead Wednesday after determining that passing a farm bill would require one additional vote and a modest violation of the natural order.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump urged Ukraine to stop attacking Russian diesel infrastructure this week after discovering that destroying an adversary’s fuel supply can reduce the amount of fuel the adversary has available to sell.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Historians issued an urgent warning Friday that President Donald Trump appears to be speedrunning the Roman Empire after plans advanced for a massive 250-foot triumphal arch in Washington, D.C., despite continued uncertainty over what, exactly, the nation has triumphed over.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States has officially renewed its premium war subscription with Iran after allowing a complimentary ceasefire trial to expire, White House officials confirmed Thursday.

CHICAGO — Following the United States men’s national team’s devastating 4–1 elimination at the hands of Belgium, U.S. Soccer officials announced Tuesday that the program would be taking a hard look in the mirror and making one major tactical adjustment going forward: significantly more presidential interference and substantially less defending.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Local woman Emily Carter, 29, reportedly began considering a presidential run Tuesday afternoon after expressing what sources described as “one extremely strong, fully formed take” that she felt the nation “simply needed to hear.”

Experts Warn: “This Could Take Out Half of D.C.”

AI Chatbot Declares Presidency, Promises No Bathroom Breaks in Oval Office