WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States has officially renewed its premium war subscription with Iran after allowing a complimentary ceasefire trial to expire, White House officials confirmed Thursday.

CHICAGO — Following the United States men’s national team’s devastating 4–1 elimination at the hands of Belgium, U.S. Soccer officials announced Tuesday that the program would be taking a hard look in the mirror and making one major tactical adjustment going forward: significantly more presidential interference and substantially less defending.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Local woman Emily Carter, 29, reportedly began considering a presidential run Tuesday afternoon after expressing what sources described as “one extremely strong, fully formed take” that she felt the nation “simply needed to hear.”

Experts Warn: “This Could Take Out Half of D.C.”

AI Chatbot Declares Presidency, Promises No Bathroom Breaks in Oval Office