Furloughed Federal Worker Who Already Emotionally Quit Must Now Pretend They’re Thrilled to Come Back
“I went through all five stages of grief, and now they want me to log back into Outlook?”
By Administrative Trauma Correspondent, The Daily Hyperbole
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of the deal to reopen the federal government after a record-shattering 43-day shutdown, thousands of furloughed and fired federal employees were abruptly told this morning to report back to work immediately, stunning a workforce that had only just finished updating their résumés, panic-cleaning their apartments, and spiraling into an existential crisis.
“I accepted my fate,” said Diane Lormann, who was fired from the Department of Fish, Wildlife, and Aquatic Feelings on Day 19 of the shutdown. “I had closure. I held a little ceremony. I said goodbye to my work badge. I made a LinkedIn post about ‘new beginnings.’ I even bought a planner. Now I have to pretend none of that happened and answer emails like my soul wasn’t ripped out of my body.”
Other employees report similar whiplash.
“I literally shaved my beard for job interviews,” said Marcus R., a now-reemployed analyst who spoke while tentatively plugging his laptop back in. “Do they want me to just reverse-grow it? Time doesn’t work like that.”
“We Hard-Laid These People Off” — and Now They’re Back
The Trump administration reportedly used the shutdown as an opportunity to “trim the fat,” “streamline efficiency,” and “test whether federal employees can survive entirely off vibes.”
But as part of the compromise bill signed late Wednesday, the government must now reinstate every fired worker, including those who:
were escorted out by security
turned in their laptops
left tearful voicemails for HR
already applied to 41 jobs on USAJobs
dramatically tweeted “It’s been an honor to serve”
Now they must drag themselves back into the same cubicles they emotionally buried.
“It feels illegal,” muttered one Interior Department staffer while peeling a Post-It Note off her monitor that read ‘GOODBYE FOREVER’.
Morale Levels: ‘Somewhere Beneath Rock Bottom’
Supervisors across agencies have been instructed to welcome employees back with “warmth and enthusiasm,” which has translated into:
stale donuts
awkward “we’re like a family” speeches
five different people asking “So how ya holding up?” in the exact same tone therapists use
and mandatory Outlook password resets, the final humiliation
Therapists in the D.C. area are allegedly “fully booked until July 2026.”
Workers Unsure Whether to Unpack
Many returning employees reportedly refuse to fully settle in, instead hovering in a state of Schrödinger’s Employment.
“I put my coffee mug back on my desk,” said Diane, “but I didn’t commit to the plant. The plant is a level of emotional vulnerability I’m not ready for.”
Some have begun carrying their belongings in “go bags” in case they are suddenly refired before lunch.
Nation Back to Business (Sort Of)
As the federal government sputters back to life, experts predict at least six weeks of:
broken workflows
emails that begin with “per my last panicked message…”
forgotten passwords
existential dread
and employees asking “Wait… what exactly is my job again?”
Diane puts it best:
“I don’t know how long I’m back, but I’m here, I’m paid, and apparently, I’m supposed to pretend the last 43 days didn’t happen. Honestly? Same.”