Office’s One Veteran Spends Veterans Day Explaining He Doesn’t Actually Want Free Applebee’s

By The Daily Hyperbole Staff

In a show of patriotic enthusiasm bordering on harassment, employees at Trendex Analytics spent this Veterans Day showering their lone veteran coworker, Steve “Sarge” Hendricks, with a record-breaking 47 thank-yous, three unsolicited hugs, and one PowerPoint presentation titled “A Tribute to Steve: Our Hero, Our Spreadsheet Guy.”

“It’s really nice they remember,” Steve said, ducking behind his monitor as coworkers chanted USA! near the copier. “But honestly, I was in supply chain logistics. I didn’t storm Normandy. I mostly stormed paperwork.”

Despite Steve’s insistence that “he’s good” and “just wants to finish his quarterly report,” well-intentioned colleagues persisted in expressing gratitude through increasingly awkward gestures. HR rep Linda Phelps reportedly emailed him a $25 Applebee’s gift card with the subject line: ‘From One Hero to Another (I Did a 5K Once).’

By mid-afternoon, Steve was cornered in the breakroom by three interns performing a heartfelt acapella version of God Bless the USA. Sources confirm the group had Googled “patriotic songs under two minutes” moments earlier.

The day reached its emotional climax when the regional manager wheeled in a store-bought cake reading THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE AND ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA, due to an unfortunate calendar overlap.

“I just wanted some coffee,” Steve said quietly, cutting himself a small, frosting-heavy corner.

When asked what his plans were after work, Steve sighed. “I’ll probably just go home, crack a beer, and watch something non-military for once. Hopefully, the neighbors won’t salute me again.”

By the following morning, coworkers had already shifted their attention to the office fantasy football standings, leaving Steve to finally enjoy the silence — until next year’s “Bring Your Hero to Work Day.”