WASHINGTON, D.C. — Historians issued an urgent warning Friday that President Donald Trump appears to be speedrunning the Roman Empire after plans advanced for a massive 250-foot triumphal arch in Washington, D.C., despite continued uncertainty over what, exactly, the nation has triumphed over.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold tribute to 250 years of American independence, Treasury officials confirmed Thursday that the nation may celebrate its semiquincentennial by introducing a commemorative $250 bill and then immediately asking the most underpaid workers in the country to decide whether it is real.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning breakthrough that experts are calling “obvious in hindsight and also obvious beforehand,” leading economists warned Thursday that war may be bad for prices, consumers, supply chains, fuel costs, grocery bills, household budgets, global stability, and nearly everyone directly or indirectly involved.

Fact-Checkers Immediately Enter Witness Protection Program

Experts Warn: “This Could Take Out Half of D.C.”