TSA Agents Reportedly Calling Out Sick With “Sudden Interest In Being Paid”
By Thurston P. Bootstrap IV, Staff Propagandist
ATLANTA, GA — As the Department of Homeland Security shutdown drags into another week, TSA agents across the country are reportedly calling out of work in record numbers, citing a recently discovered condition known as “wanting a paycheck.”
Airport officials confirmed that while agents are still technically required to show up, many have begun exploring alternative life paths, including “staying home,” “updating LinkedIn,” and “remembering what weekends feel like.”
“We fully support our employees,” said one DHS spokesperson, “and encourage them to continue reporting to work out of a deep sense of personal fulfillment and vibes.”
Travelers are already feeling the impact. Security lines at major airports have stretched to what one passenger described as “pre-9/11 levels, but emotionally worse.”
“I got here four hours early and still missed my flight,” said Boston resident Karen Mitchell, who is now considering “just living in Terminal B indefinitely.” “At this point, I’ve formed a close bond with the guy in front of me. I think he’s coming to my wedding.”
Experts say the situation has created difficult choices for TSA agents, who must now decide between:
Protecting national security
Paying rent
“It’s a tough call,” said one agent, who asked to remain anonymous because he had already mentally quit. “On one hand, safety is important. On the other hand, my landlord doesn’t accept ‘essential worker’ as currency.”
Meanwhile, lawmakers in Washington remain locked in negotiations, carefully working through complex policy disagreements while successfully avoiding solving the problem.
Sources confirm that several members of Congress expressed deep concern over the situation before returning to their regularly scheduled activity of “not agreeing on anything.”
Back at the airport, operations continue to slow as remaining TSA agents attempt to manage crowds while also Googling “jobs that pay money.”
“I love this country,” said another agent, staring into the middle distance. “I just also love groceries.”
At press time, officials assured the public that the situation remains under control, noting that passengers can still expect a “safe and secure experience,” provided they are willing to wait, indefinitely.