Nation Waits Patiently For Someone To Be Held Accountable For Literally Anything

By Thurston P. Bootstrap IV, Senior Accountability Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citizens across the United States confirmed Monday that they are continuing to wait patiently for someone—anyone—to be held accountable for something.

The wait, which analysts say began “at some point in the late 20th century,” has reportedly intensified in recent years as scandals, failures, and catastrophic mistakes pile up with little apparent consequence.

“I just figured eventually somebody would get in trouble,” said local resident Daniel Reeves while standing in what he described as the nation’s “long, invisible line for accountability.” “You know, like in school when someone messes up and the teacher asks who did it. Except now the teacher never comes back.”

Government officials, corporate executives, and institutional leaders have repeatedly assured the public that they are “looking into the matter,” though they have not clarified which matter or when any results might be expected.

“We take accountability very seriously,” said one spokesperson while gesturing toward a large filing cabinet labeled Accountability — Pending Review. “Rest assured, we are committed to forming a committee to determine whether accountability would be appropriate at some point in the future.”

Political analysts note that the situation has created a rare moment of unity among Americans.

“Regardless of political affiliation, most people appear to agree that something has gone wrong somewhere,” said Georgetown political scientist Dr. Melissa Harmon. “Unfortunately, identifying exactly who is responsible has proven remarkably difficult, largely because everyone involved keeps pointing at someone else.”

In the meantime, citizens say they remain cautiously optimistic.

“I’m sure it’ll happen eventually,” Reeves said, checking his watch. “I mean, it can’t just go on like this forever.”

At press time, officials confirmed they were monitoring the situation closely.