Portland, Maine

In a powerful display of moral clarity arriving just moments after the internal numbers became “pretty hard to ignore,” a major Senate campaign announced Tuesday that it is taking recent allegations against its candidate extremely seriously, citing a deep commitment to values, accountability, and several newly alarming crosstabs.

“I was just going to check the weather,” said local man Daniel Reilly, moments before his psychological state deteriorated beyond repair.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citizens across the United States confirmed Monday that they are continuing to wait patiently for someone—anyone—to be held accountable for something.