Trump Declares Peace in War That Hasn't Started Yet

By Staff Diplomat, Dept. of Premature Congratulations

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold diplomatic maneuver that has left historians, generals, and several confused time-travel compliance officers scratching their heads, former President Donald J. Trump today declared peace in a war that global analysts insist does not currently exist.

At a hastily assembled press conference held between golf swings, Trump announced:

“I just ended the greatest war in history. People didn’t even know it was happening. That’s how efficiently I ended it.”

Pentagon officials, upon hearing of the newly resolved non-conflict, reportedly began flipping through binders in search of any documentation proving said war had started. Early findings confirm that no troops were deployed, no missiles were launched, and nobody was even mad yet.

Sources inside the Department of Preemptive Crisis Management admitted they were “relieved” the war was resolved, despite having “no prior knowledge of hostilities, tensions, or even passive-aggressive tweets.”

Economists praised the peace deal, projecting it will save “at least trillions of hypothetical dollars” and prevent the loss of “countless imaginary lives.”

Diplomatic scholars are already rewriting future textbooks to include the Trump Doctrine’s newest principle:

“Peace Through Preventing The War Before Anyone Can Start It Or Even Think About Starting It.”

Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists insist this confirms that a war did happen—just in another timeline.
Government sources neither confirmed nor denied this, mostly due to spontaneously developing migraines.