WASHINGTON / TEHRAN — Negotiations to end the rapidly escalating conflict between the United States and Iran reportedly entered a promising new phase Tuesday after both sides confirmed they were still committed to peace, provided they could continue exchanging carefully calibrated explosions between diplomatic statements.

BOSTON, MA — In a bold and deeply personal act of self-care, local man Kevin Morales announced Monday that he was “finally done” with social media, citing the need for peace, clarity, and “a return to what actually matters.”

Sources confirm the treaty saved trillions in hypothetical spending and countless imaginary lives.