Billionaire Announces Plan to Solve Problem He Created
Calls himself “uniquely qualified” after years of being the problem
By Vulture A. Tendril, Chief Crisis Monetization Correspondent
UNDISCLOSED BOARDROOM — A billionaire whose unchecked ambition, regulatory evasion, and relentless profit extraction directly caused a nationwide crisis announced today that he has devised a bold solution—one which, coincidentally, ensures he remains obscenely wealthy and in charge.
“I broke it,” the billionaire said calmly. “Which means I understand it.”
The problem, long warned about by experts before being ignored, defunded, outsourced, or fired, reached catastrophic levels last year. At the time, the billionaire dismissed concerns as “alarmism,” “non-technical,” and “bad for the brand.”
He now refers to the same warnings as “valuable insights.”
A Crisis—Rebranded
In a tightly choreographed press conference, the billionaire unveiled The Fix™, a market-based solution to undo damage caused by his previous market-based solution, which itself had been designed to correct an earlier market-based solution.
“We regret that unintended consequences occurred,” he said, reading from a teleprompter written by a publicist he personally underpays. “But this is an opportunity—for growth.”
When asked whether the crisis could have been avoided by not doing the thing everyone begged him not to do, the billionaire smiled politely and said, “Hindsight is very powerful.”
Who Pays?
While the billionaire insists the solution will “benefit everyone,” documents confirm costs will be distributed as follows:
The public absorbs the fallout
Workers accept layoffs “for stability”
Government provides subsidies “for innovation”
The billionaire collects incentives “for leadership”
“Accountability isn’t about blame,” he clarified. “It’s about direction. And I think we all know which direction that is.”
Regret, But Make It Profitable
The plan includes:
A restructuring led by the same executives who caused the collapse
A temporary apology campaign
A nonprofit shell entity to capture goodwill
A streaming documentary redefining greed as misunderstood genius
Critics called the proposal “a hostage situation with better fonts.”
Supporters—mostly investors who benefited from the original damage—praised the move as “decisive,” “mature,” and “extremely lucrative.”
Final Word
Asked if he would step down as part of restoring trust, the billionaire laughed, assuming the question was satire.
“If I step away,” he said, “who will protect the system from people like me?”
At press time, the billionaire was hailed as a visionary, the crisis continued unabated, and plans to prevent this from happening again were deemed “economically unrealistic.”