Scientists Confirm Universe Is Just God’s Abandoned Simulation
Divine Developer Hasn’t Logged In Since Big Bang Update; Bug Reports Pile Up Unanswered
By Dr. Cassandra Mockingbird
Senior Correspondent for Existential Crises
Location: The Void Between Meaning and Despair
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND — In a groundbreaking study published this morning in the Journal of Cosmic Disappointment, researchers at CERN have confirmed what philosophers, mystics, and burnt-out software developers have long suspected: the universe is an abandoned simulation project, and God stopped checking the GitHub repository approximately 13.8 billion years ago.
“The evidence is overwhelming,” said Dr. Heinrich Schrödinger III, lead physicist on the study. “We’ve been finding deprecated code everywhere. The platypus? That’s literally commented-out test code that somehow made it to production. Quantum mechanics? A half-finished feature that was supposed to make sense eventually. The entire project reeks of ‘I’ll come back and fix this later.’”
The revelation emerged after scientists analyzing cosmic microwave background radiation discovered what appeared to be divine metadata embedded in the fabric of spacetime. The metadata, written in an unknown programming language researchers have dubbed HolyScript, contained deeply troubling documentation.
“There’s a README file,” explained Dr. Yuki Tanaka, quantum physicist and amateur detective. “It just says: ‘Universe v0.1 — Alpha Build — DO NOT USE IN PRODUCTION.’ Then there’s a note that reads: ‘TODO: Add meaning to suffering, balance karma system, fix that weird thing with consciousness.’”
According to researchers, the TODO list contains 2.7 billion uncompleted items.
Perhaps most damning is the discovery of an ancient commit message timestamped to roughly 6,000 BCE:
“Quick patch for flood glitch. Will refactor pantheon system later. Getting pizza.”
No further commits were ever made.
“We found the bug tracker,” said Dr. Sarah Chen, cosmologist and increasingly concerned individual. “There are 847 million open tickets. Most are marked WONTFIX or WORKS AS INTENDED. One user—username: JOB_OF_UZ—filed over 3,000 complaints about unfair testing parameters. The response was simply: ‘Closed as duplicate.’”
While simulation theory has long been debated in scientific and philosophical circles, few expected confirmation to feel quite this… depressing.
“I always hoped if we were in a simulation, at least someone was watching,” said Dr. Marcus Williams, existential philosopher at MIT. “But no. We’re just running on some cosmic server in the background, forgotten—like an old MySpace profile. We’re the digital equivalent of a Tamagotchi that died in 2003 but is still beeping in a drawer somewhere.”
The abandoned-simulation hypothesis also explains several previously inexplicable phenomena:
The Fermi Paradox: Why haven’t we found alien life? Because they’re all stuck in other forgotten sandbox saves on the same hard drive.
The Mandela Effect: Not alternate realities—just unpatched bugs causing memory corruption across instances.
The 2020s: What happens when entropy runs unchecked without administrative intervention.
“Honestly, it makes sense,” said Dr. Raj Patel, astrophysicist and newly minted nihilist. “This is exactly what happens when you deploy to production, promise to monitor it, and then immediately start a new side project. We’re God’s abandoned NFT collection.”
The scientific community remains divided on how to respond. Some researchers suggest attempting to submit a pull request to the original repository. Others recommend accepting that consciousness emerged in a forgotten prototype and simply making the best of it.
“We tried to locate the original developer,” said Dr. Schrödinger. “Left messages everywhere—Twitter, LinkedIn, Stack Overflow. Nothing. We believe they may have moved on to other universes. Probably got a better job. One with a better physics engine and significantly less existential dread.”
When asked what this discovery means for humanity’s future, Dr. Chen sighed—the kind of sigh that carries the weight of infinite cosmic indifference.
“It means we’re on our own. Always have been,” she said. “We’re running on legacy systems, no support, no documentation, and the entire universe is held together with duct tape and prayers that don’t reach anyone.” She paused. “So basically, it’s like working in tech.”
At press time, researchers reported discovering a hidden file buried deep in the universe’s source code labeled:
UNIVERSE_V2_REAL_FINAL_FINAL_ACTUALFINAL_USE_THIS_ONE.exe
Attempts to execute the file failed due to insufficient permissions.
God’s last known status, according to commit history:
“AFK indefinitely. Try Stack Overflow.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dr. Cassandra Mockingbird holds a Ph.D. in Theoretical Despair from the University of Existential Dread. She specializes in uncovering uncomfortable truths and ruining everyone’s day with science. Her hobbies include staring into the void and having the void stare back with mild disappointment.
EDITOR’S NOTE
This article was peer-reviewed by the universe itself, which offered no comment and continues expanding indifferently.