“Defense officials confirmed Tuesday that another $1 billion had become unaccounted for somewhere inside the nation’s military bureaucracy, reassuring Americans that while the money itself may be gone, the confidence with which they discussed its disappearance remains fully intact.”

JERUSALEM — Government officials assured citizens Friday that their nation’s leader remains “completely real and definitely human” after a recent public address prompted widespread speculation that the Prime Minister may have been replaced by an artificial intelligence duplicate.

Sources confirm the treaty saved trillions in hypothetical spending and countless imaginary lives.