WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced Friday that all Canadian imports would face a new 100% tariff, plus invasion, unveiling what administration officials described as a comprehensive trade package with a small military component roughly the size of Canada.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump urged Ukraine to stop attacking Russian diesel infrastructure this week after discovering that destroying an adversary’s fuel supply can reduce the amount of fuel the adversary has available to sell.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump escalated tensions with Iran late Saturday by deploying levels of CAPS LOCK not seen since World War II, unleashing a concentrated barrage of capital letters across Truth Social and placing the entire Persian Gulf on heightened typographical alert.

WASHINGTON, D.C. —

Foreign policy experts across Washington praised the newly announced Iran peace deal Monday, calling it “a historic breakthrough” and “an essential first step toward establishing the conditions necessary for the next Iran war.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning breakthrough that experts are calling “obvious in hindsight and also obvious beforehand,” leading economists warned Thursday that war may be bad for prices, consumers, supply chains, fuel costs, grocery bills, household budgets, global stability, and nearly everyone directly or indirectly involved.

WASHINGTON / TEHRAN — Negotiations to end the rapidly escalating conflict between the United States and Iran reportedly entered a promising new phase Tuesday after both sides confirmed they were still committed to peace, provided they could continue exchanging carefully calibrated explosions between diplomatic statements.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to restore public trust, the United States Senate has voted to ban lawmakers and staff from placing bets on prediction markets involving wars, elections, economic crashes, and other events they may have accidentally learned about during classified briefings.

“Defense officials confirmed Tuesday that another $1 billion had become unaccounted for somewhere inside the nation’s military bureaucracy, reassuring Americans that while the money itself may be gone, the confidence with which they discussed its disappearance remains fully intact.”

JERUSALEM — Government officials assured citizens Friday that their nation’s leader remains “completely real and definitely human” after a recent public address prompted widespread speculation that the Prime Minister may have been replaced by an artificial intelligence duplicate.

Sources confirm the treaty saved trillions in hypothetical spending and countless imaginary lives.