Trump Claims 300 Million Americans Died Last Year, Says Job Market Is ‘Best It’s Ever Been’

Encourages Survivors to “Enjoy the Elbow Room”

By Apocalypse Desk Correspondent, The Daily Hyperbole

PALM BEACH, FL — Former president Donald Trump shocked audiences at a recent rally when he claimed that “300 million Americans died from drugs last year” but insisted that the news was being “covered up by the fake media.”

“If you’re hearing me right now, you’re in the lucky 10%,” Trump told the crowd. “And that’s great news — your chances of getting your dream job just went way up. Quarterback? Broadway star? Supreme Court justice? Take your pick — lots of openings!”

The former president then suggested that Americans take advantage of what he called the “post-apocalyptic boom.”

“Your crush probably doesn’t even have a boyfriend anymore. Sad for him — but good for you. Go comfort them. Be a hero.”

Economists quickly disputed the claim, noting that if 90% of Americans were actually dead, the housing market would indeed be wide open — though somewhat less competitive due to “society being over.”

Retail analysts also reported no widespread looting, despite Trump encouraging supporters to “go full I Am Legend and redecorate your apartment with all the best stuff from Pottery Barn.”

Public health officials released a statement gently reminding Americans that the country still has, in fact, people in it. “If you can read this, congratulations — you’re not only alive, you’re part of 100% of the population that still exists,” the CDC posted.