Trump Slaps 100% Tariff on Foreign Brains

More truth than reality can handle

By News Correspondent

PALM BEACH, FL — President Donald J. Trump announced Sunday that the U.S. will now officially classify human beings as imports, imposing a 100% tariff on foreign brains entering the country.

The policy, rolled out under the banner of “Fair Trade, Fair Wage, Fairly Absurd,” applies to H-1B visa applicants, foreign students, and “anyone too smart for their own good,” according to a White House press release.

“Look, folks, we’ve been getting ripped off for years,” Trump said at a rally. “Other countries send us their best engineers, their doctors, their geniuses. Very unfair! They come in, they work hard, they make America look bad. From now on, if they want to come here, they pay the tariff. Beautiful tariff. The best tariff.”

Under the plan:

• H-1B visas now carry a $100,000 “brain fee”, payable up front.

• Trump Gold Cards — described as “the Gucci bag of visas” — cost a minimum $5 million, but come with free airport lounge access and a signed photo of the President.

• Applicants from “low-skill, low-IQ” countries (not specified, but heavily implied) face a Luxury Import Tax, determined by “how big their brains are.”

Industry leaders were quick to criticize the move. Tech executives warn of a “brain drain,” while economists note that unlike steel or soybeans, human beings do not traditionally come with customs forms.

Supporters, however, hailed the policy as a masterstroke. “Finally, a tariff you can really think about,” said one man wearing three MAGA hats stacked on his head. “If your brain’s so smart, prove it — pay the fee!”

The White House has also hinted at a new “Buy American Brains” program, offering tax credits to companies who hire workers with a proven IQ under 85. “We want jobs going to real Americans,” Trump said. “And believe me, nobody’s better at being average than us.”