How To Rapture-Proof Your Life: A Step-by-Step Guide

By Apocalypse Lifestyle Coach, The Daily Hyperbole

Step 1: Cancel Your Subscriptions
Netflix, Hulu, even that gym membership you’ve been avoiding since 2019 — let’s face it, you’re not going to finish Breaking Bad before the trumpet sounds. Save your cash for more important things (like extra marshmallows).

Step 2: Pack a Go-Bag (For Both Eternity and TSA)
You never know if Heaven enforces the 3-oz liquid rule. Essentials include: toothbrush, passport, and at least one ironic T-shirt. (Angels love irony.)

Step 3: Update Your Social Media Bio
Make sure your last words aren’t “Live, Laugh, Love.” Upgrade to something timeless like: “Gone fishing (permanently).”

Step 4: Secure Pet Care
Reports are conflicting: some say cats get raptured, others say they’re in charge afterward. Either way, set out extra kibble.

Step 5: Confess Everything (or Nothing)
Tradition says confession clears your soul. But honestly, oversharing on Facebook might work just as well.

Step 6: Dress Accordingly
Nobody wants to ascend in sweatpants. Put on something that says: “Yes, I’m holy, but also brunch-ready.”

Step 7: Don’t Panic (Unless You’re Left Behind)
If you’re still here tomorrow, congrats! You’re officially the star of a post-apocalyptic Netflix series.

Final Note:
Whether you rise skyward, or just rise to hit the snooze button, remember: The Daily Hyperbole is here to guide you — because no matter the timeline, satire always survives.