Cause of Autism Revealed
By Dr. Sunshine Ray, Senior Vitamin D Correspondent
PALM BEACH, FL — In what experts are calling the “brightest discovery since Edison invented the lightbulb,” a team of scientists have announced that the cause of autism has finally been uncovered: too much sun exposure during pregnancy.
According to the study, the culprit is none other than Vitamin D — the so-called “sunshine vitamin” long praised for healthy bones and good vibes. But now, researchers claim that an excess of prenatal rays can “overclock the baby’s motherboard,” leading to what they are dubbing “Ultra Developmental Mode.”
A Breakthrough Decades in the Making
Dr. Ray Solar, head of the Department of Overexposure Studies, explained:
“For years, people blamed vaccines, Wi-Fi, or gluten. Turns out it was just the sun. The big glowing thing in the sky. We should’ve guessed sooner.”
The announcement has sparked a wave of panic among expecting mothers, with maternity stores reporting a sudden surge in sales of blackout curtains, SPF-5000 sunscreen, and medieval-style cloaks.
Public Health Recommendations
The Centers for Sun Control (CSC) has quickly issued new guidelines:
Pregnant women are advised to go outside only at night.
If daytime travel is unavoidable, a “modest vampire aesthetic” is strongly encouraged.
Vitamin D supplements must now come with warning labels featuring an angry cartoon sun.
Mixed Reactions
While some hail the discovery as groundbreaking, others are skeptical.
“Honestly, I think this is just Big Umbrella trying to boost sales,” muttered one Miami resident from beneath a beach parasol.
Meanwhile, tanning salon stocks plummeted overnight, with shareholders describing the news as “a total eclipse of the profits.”
What’s Next?
Scientists are already preparing their next project: investigating whether moonlight causes seasonal depression and whether “too much oxygen” may be responsible for hay fever.
Until then, mothers-to-be are urged to stay indoors, pull the shades tight, and perhaps start investing in vitamin deficiencies instead.