ICE Assures Italy It Will Not Arrest Anyone for Being Italian, Yet
MILAN — In an unprecedented diplomatic twist that has baffled cultural critics and confused at least three gondoliers, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) issued a formal statement yesterday assuring the Italian government that it will not arrest anyone merely for being Italian — at least, not yet.
The announcement came as part of ICE’s clarification surrounding its newly announced security role at the 2026 Winter Olympics in Milan and Cortina d’Ampezzo, a move that has sparked fierce protests, heated espresso arguments, and at least one accidental opera.
“We want to be very clear,” said Acting Director of ICE at a press briefing held in a room suspiciously decorated with ski posters and olive oil bottles. “We respect Italian culture. We understand pasta. We will only arrest people if they are actually breaking the law, not simply because they said ‘mamma mia’ too loudly.”
The statement continued:
“We will not detain anyone for loving football, refusing to eat cereal, or using balsamic vinegar as a universal condiment. Those are Italian civil rights, and we deeply respect them.”
Cultural Misfire or Strategic Diplomacy?
The news has been met with both relief and skepticism across Italy. Local resident Giuseppe “Beppe” Rossi told reporters, “So let me get this straight — you’re coming to protect us? From… what? Skiers who don’t tip? Tourists who ask if spaghetti grows on trees?”
Protests erupted in Rome and Naples, with slogans like “No ICE on Our Slice!” and “Free Wi-Fi, Free Wine, Free Movement!” held aloft alongside a giant cardboard gondola.
Meanwhile, Italian lawmakers drafted an emergency resolution declaring that any foreign official who questions the relative superiority of thin-crust pizza must be politely escorted to a vineyard and required to try genuine Chianti.
A Language Barrier?
ICE officials note that the confusion largely stems from a translation glitch — specifically, the Italian phrase “fare la bella figura” (“to make a good impression”) was mistranslated in internal memos as “freeze them and bring them in.”
“We apologized immediately,” said an ICE spokesperson, adjusting a pair of aviator sunglasses and clutching a gelato. “We now understand that bella figura is not a crime, nor is being exceptionally stylish.”
Rome Responds: Pasta, Not Parole
Prime Minister Lorenzo Benedetti issued a diplomatic response that was equal parts firm and carb-heavy:
“We welcome all efforts to ensure the safety of our guests. However, let it be known that our patience has limits — just like our tolerance for pineapple on pizza. Should ICE officers attempt to enforce policies that contravene centuries-old Italian traditions, we reserve the right to respond with spicy arrabbiata sauce.”
Benedetti concluded by inviting ICE officials to a non-binding cultural exchange dinner featuring gnocchi, tiramisu, and a quiz on the correct way to pronounce espresso.