WASHINGTON, D.C. — Historians issued an urgent warning Friday that President Donald Trump appears to be speedrunning the Roman Empire after plans advanced for a massive 250-foot triumphal arch in Washington, D.C., despite continued uncertainty over what, exactly, the nation has triumphed over.

“We always believed in her,” says uncle who learned the sport existed 11 minutes ago.

ICE Assures Italy It Will Not Arrest Anyone for Being Italian, Yet