U.S. Government Breaks World Record for Doing Nothing
Congress Wins Gold in Inactivity as Shutdown Hits 37 Days
By Bureaucracy Desk Correspondent, The Daily Hyperbole
WASHINGTON — The U.S. government has officially set a new world record for “Longest Display of Dysfunction,” as the 2025 shutdown drags into its 37th day — surpassing the previous record from 2019 and cementing Congress’s status as the nation’s top productivity deterrent.
Lawmakers across the political spectrum gathered separately to celebrate the milestone, each claiming victory for doing absolutely nothing. “This is what democracy looks like,” said one senator while proudly holding a blank legislative proposal. “We’ve proven that the American dream is still alive — and on unpaid leave.”
Furlough Olympics: Gold in Inactivity
With more than 900,000 federal workers furloughed, the unofficial “Furlough Games” have begun. Competitions include:
The Waiting for Paycheck Marathon,
The Budget Blame Relay, and
The fan-favorite Who Can Stretch One Packet of Ramen the Longest?
Winners receive a participation ribbon signed by both chambers of Congress — once they reopen.
Economy? On Vacation Too
Economists estimate the shutdown costs the U.S. economy $15 billion a week, though no one can confirm since the agencies that calculate such data are, appropriately, closed.
Meanwhile, Wall Street traders celebrated the chaos by shorting optimism itself. “Markets love unpredictability,” said one analyst, “but this is like trying to price a black hole.”
“Essential” Workers Redefine ‘Essential’
While most agencies are shuttered, a skeleton crew of “essential” employees continues to report to work without pay, fueled by caffeine, patriotism, and quiet despair.
“Every morning, I salute the flag, cry a little, and then keep the country running,” said one anonymous TSA agent. “It’s like being in a long-distance relationship with my paycheck.”
Airports, facing staff shortages, have introduced a new slogan: “Now Boarding… Eventually.”
Congress Issues Joint Statement of Blame
House Republicans and Senate Democrats released a bipartisan press release titled “This Is Your Fault.”
Both sides agreed that the shutdown is entirely the other’s doing, promising to hold firm until the public gives up caring.
In an unprecedented act of unity, both parties voted to fund the cafeteria through emergency appropriations. “We might starve democracy,” one representative said, “but not lunch.”
The Nation Reacts
Across the country, Americans are adjusting to life without federal services:
National parks are now “suggestion zones” patrolled by raccoons.
Passport offices have been replaced by enthusiastic volunteers with crayons.
NASA, short on funds, reportedly told the ISS astronauts to “wing it.”
The public, ever resilient, has responded with humor. “We used to have government shutdowns,” said one citizen, “now we just have lifestyle changes.”
And the Award Goes To…
At a mock ceremony streamed live from the Lincoln Memorial, the Trophy for Government Inactivity was awarded to the entire 119th Congress.
Accepting on their behalf was a tumbleweed, symbolizing the spirit of progress.
The inscription read:
“For outstanding achievement in non-achievement. May your inaction echo through history.”
What Happens Next?
Insiders report negotiations are “ongoing,” which in political terms means “no one’s talking.”
Still, some remain optimistic that government operations could resume any day now — pending divine intervention or a Netflix adaptation deal.
Until then, the American people remain patient, proud, and profoundly unpaid.
Final Word
In the land of the free and the home of the furloughed, one thing remains certain:
If democracy dies in darkness, it’s only because someone forgot to pay the electric bill.